I’ve never resonated with feminism in sports. Especially in climbing, one of the more egalitarian sports out there, I have never felt held back, discriminated against, or otherwise impeded because I am female. I know it’s out there, but I’ve either been ignorant to it or I just can’t fathom how it could get in my way.
There is, however, one aspect of this topic that I do have an opinion on, and it’s body image. It might not be explicitly because I am female, but it’s on my mind enough for it to be something I feel the need to speak out about.
I’d first like to say that my training practices and plans are not hindered by any body image afflictions I may have. I am objective and I listen to the numbers when the topic is training. But while I will always maintain this, I can’t shake the mental difficulties perceived body image has on the implementation of my training.
“ATHLETE”
I generally see myself as a fit individual, but I struggle to label myself an athlete. I know that I’m physically strong, but I don’t necessarily think I look it, and unfortunately to me, looking like an athlete has become synonymous with being an athlete.
In climbing, not a lot of people are athletes. Climbers can be sedentary and a lot of the time they don’t look fit, largely because climbing really lends itself to laziness. For example, you could have a session where you’re on the wall for just 15 minutes out of 2 hours. You try a climb, then sit and talk. Slouched, drinking Gatorade, giving half-assed attempts.
Now, this isn’t me. I normally climb alone and I like to think I try hard and stay focused when I train. However this is what I’m surrounded by, and you know what they say: “You are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”.
In this case, I am the sum of the 40 people I spend the most time in proximity to.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that people spend their time here, but the fact that I come to the gym with a completely different purpose than everyone else has started to create an issue.
We don’t have any mirrors in the gym other than in the bathrooms. All I see when I’m climbing and lifting is everyone else, and in everyone else I see myself.
I’m not an athlete.
But I am an athlete.
My competition results say I’m an athlete. My schedule says I’m an athlete. My diet says I’m an athlete. Why does the mirror tell me I’m not? Why do I look at myself and see an average looking 18 year old girl? Furthermore, why does it matter that I look like an “athlete” when I’m achieving everything an athlete would anyway?
A few weeks ago I went to my massage therapist and was telling him about my latest training exploits. I mentioned to him that I took an ice bath after a run. I remember mentioning that, “I like ice baths because they make me feel like an athlete”. He laughed, as if it was a joke. As if I was so obviously an athlete. For a moment, I let myself dwell on the fact that an unbiased human being thought I was an athlete. For that moment, I started to come around but I reminded myself that a single opinion isn’t enough for a conclusion. And so the moment passed.
But regardless, my statement was still true. The ice bath made me feel more like an athlete. So did eating that salad yesterday. And wearing my Team Canada jersey to training last week. And getting up at six thirty to go for a run before work on Saturday.
So maybe the moment can last a little longer. Maybe I am an athlete.
No, I know I am.
But I also know this moment will end the next time I take a good look in a mirror.
TURNING IT AROUND
Now and then, I’ll get a compliment or hear about something nice someone has said about me. Every single time, I’m caught off guard by what people actually think in regards to how I look. I guess I just assumed people were on the same page as me.
But when I hear something nice, especially from someone with no stake in my career, I get incredibly close to believing it myself, and that notion is troublesome. I hate that I need the validation of others to find a sense of self-esteem. I might as well have stayed on social media in that case.
But I can’t ignore it. If someone gives me a compliment, then maybe, just maybe, they aren’t lying to me. Maybe they actually think what they’re saying is true. It’s not a stretch.
As an aside, this is a great example of why you should always speak your mind when you have something good to say. Who knows, you might be complimenting someone who really needs it.
Long-lasting positive body image can’t be powered on a compliment-to-compliment basis though. If I was going to weather this storm, I’d need to convince myself.
Everyone else seems to see it. I needed to see it for myself.
A few weeks ago, I stayed in Toronto for a few days. The building I was in had a nice little gym attached. I had only worked out in a real gym once before when I was in Ottawa for a competition. We’re probably talking three or four years ago.
When I walked in for the first time, I was caught off guard. There were mirrors everywhere, everyone was so focused, fit, and well-dressed. It was quiet, apart from the occasional grunt or deep breath. Oh, and it overlooked a pool where you could see people doing laps. This environment was different. Good different.
I set my books up in the corner, warmed up, and went into my first exercise – dumbbell rows. Before I start the repetitions, I always make sure my shoulders are square, my back is completely flat, and I’m looking forward (this was one of the first exercises I ever learned for climbing so I pride myself in having excellent form on it!).
So I picked up the dumbbell, adjusted my shoulders, then back, and looked up. As you might have guessed, and as I forgot at the time, when I looked up I saw myself in the mirror. At first I was intrigued by the prospect of being my own spotter. My perfect form could become even more perfect! But when I did my first repetition, I was completely distracted.
I looked so strong! Even on my little warm up weight, I felt like a beast and a half. My shoulders man! They’re shoulders are so toned. My back too – I could see every little muscle working as I pulled in that dumbbell. I honestly can’t believe I thought so little of myself. For the rest of the session, I let myself indulge my ego, hard. It’s something I never thought I would do, but it turned out I needed it. And I have no shame. It felt really good.
Since then, I truly conclude that I am an athlete – head to toe, inside out.
I just needed to see it for myself.
Since then, I’ve tried to look at myself in the mirror before training sessions and watch videos of myself climbing. Being off of social media means that I don’t sift through a collection of photos of myself anymore, and as a result I must have distorted my perceived self-image a bit.
Training is all about failing and working on weaknesses. Far too infrequently do I stop to look for the success, especially the seemingly superficial. Looking jacked is a real part of achieving success in sports, and should be celebrated nonetheless. A quote I’ve come back to recently reminds me of the lesson I learned over these past few months:
“IT’S NOT WHAT YOU LOOK AT THAT MATTERS, IT’S WHAT YOU SEE.”
– Henry David Thoreau